Sunshine, pink peonies, soft white bunnies and baby chicks. A true Hallmark mother and daughter moment. What? You don’t skip hand in hand along the grassy knoll with your mother? That’s odd, you must be different. Ok, so neither do I, but I am grateful to have a solid relationship with my mum which I am told makes me a very lucky person.

I am surrounded by a number of friends whose relationship with their mums is fraught with dissention, anger, bitterness and disappointment. These women may have been betrayed by others, but the dysfunction they experience in their mother-daughter relationship carries the most damage of all, and, as a result the price for this rage is paid for by other un-suspecting relationships in their life.

This is nothing new. And, what is confronting for most women is the fact we are all daughters. Our mothers were once on the other end of the stick and if she isn’t living up to our expectations, you can’t help but wonder what did our mothers envisage their relationship to be like with their own daughters?

It is unlikely a mother holding a newborn daughter thinks “gee, I can’t wait to screw you up and have the most volatile relationship with you in the future.” No, likely a mother holding a newborn ponders how much she loves and wants to protect this new little vulnerable life, and if you’re anything like me, think upon future tea parties, tiny pink dresses and patent leather shoes.

So where does it go wrong? That’s a question no one can definitively answer, but chances are if your mother sustained dysfunction in the relationship with her own mother, un-dealt with, those insecurities and hurts often get carried through to the next generation. It is also probable that a daughter of a good mother-daughter relationship can take for granted the work that goes into building an enduring friendship with her own daughter.

Nothing stellar comes without solid planning and hard work. The good news is you have the power to ensure YOUR relationship with YOUR daughter is nothing less than the best. So….may I ask what does your relationship look like with your daughter presently and in the future? What are you plans and strategies to work towards this and to keep on track? If you’re harbouring resentment towards your own mother, what are doing to unload that? Friends, we have the opportunity for a wonderful life, live it to the fullest.

If you are sailing the boat of mother dissatisfaction, you might want to know a few facts.

Paula Caplan, author of Mother Blaming writes:

If you’re busy blaming your mother or wishing you could “divorce” her, you are caught in a psychological prison. You can’t get free, and you can’t really grow up.

Mother-blame limits your freedom: you can’t be an adult who freely considers all of life’s possibilities. You restrict yourself to certain activities, interests, and friends to prove how different from Mother you are.

You can’t look honestly at who you are, because you might discover ways that you are like her! Frantic to avoid what you consider her failures, you overreact, throwing out the good with the bad: you grow tough because you think she’s sentimental, or you become a doormat because she wasn’t warm enough.

All that reaction against her, that desperate drive to prove your difference, restricts and damages your relationships with the other people you love—your mate, your children, your other relatives, and your friends. You offer them only a part of your true self, a caricature.

Amy Sheaves. http://reallifeamy.blogspot.com/

Something I’ve long believed was confirmed in an article I read last week: Women are better survivors than men.

The following excerpt is from the article by Ben Sherwood, author of ‘The Survivors Club.

Indeed, women are much better survivors than men. I discovered this surprising fact in the woods of Washington State, where the United States Air Force trains its people in the art of survival, evasion, resistance and escape (shorthand: SERE) when I asked a hard-nosed instructor if he can tell immediately who’s got the survival instinct and who doesn’t.

After putting countless men and women through very uncomfortable survival training – translation: wet, cold, exhausted and hungry – it turns out that women rule, especially moms. In this instructor’s experience, women who have gone through childbirth frequently fare better than the most strapping aviators. Under extreme pressure and deprivation, he says, the brawniest men can crumble like blue cheese while moms hang tough.

Obviously, your chances of survival depend on specific circumstances (and men definitely possess certain physical advantages), but the Air Force instructor wanted to make a point: Moms are impressively unflinching in the face of adversity. After all, he explains, moms have handled real pain. They understand sacrifice. They’re driven by a purpose greater than themselves. They’re problem solvers and multitaskers. They’re accustomed to delaying gratification. In short, they’re very effective survivors. http://www.thesurvivorsclub.org/

I love being a woman and would never want to trade places with a man.

I have listed some of my favourite survivors … drum roll please …

1. Jochabed – Mother of Moses from the Bible who risked everything to save the life of her son.
2. Lady Margaret Beaufort – Matriarch of the Tudor Dynasty. An amazing survivor who risked everything for the safety and future throne of her son.
3. Catherine of Aragon – Henry VIII’s first wife who would not give up her position as Henry’s one and true wife.
4. Elizabeth I – Born a princess, declared illegitimate at 3 years old at the time of her mother’s execution. After dodging many bullets, finally made it to the throne and reigned for 45 years, 4 years shy of her father, brother and sister combined.
5. Susanna Wesley – Mother of John & Charles Wesley & 17 other children. She is often referred to as the mother of Methodism. There is so much about this woman I love.
6. Nigella Lawson – Goddess of the kitchen, so much to say about her life!
7. Britney Spears – Albeit not a popular choice., but a survivor nevertheless!

Interestingly, all of the above are women and all (with the exception of Elizabeth I) are mothers.

Amy Sheaves

Recently at thefamilyroom LIVE event in Sydney, Australia, we were completely blown away by the story of a beautiful woman named Frances who, through horrific adversity, realised something within her that enabled her to rise up and get through it all.

She never stopped believing that life, hope, strength, laughter and joy were waiting for her on the other side, cheering her on, every step of the way.

Yes, she’s human, so these were not the only voices she heard, but these were the ones she CHOSE to listen to.

Have a read of these lyrics below, download it from iTunes and play it to the girls in your life … for me that’s my 15 year old daughter. Powerful words that can change how girls, entering their teens and beyond, view themselves and their place in the world.

Beautiful Flower by Indie.Arie

This is a song for every girl who’s
Ever been through something

She thought she couldn’t make it through
I sing these words because
I was that girl too
Wanting something better than this
But who do I turn to

Now we’re moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives

‘Cause you’re beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind

There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient

This is a song for every girl who
Feels like she is not special
‘Cause she don’t look like a supermodel Coke bottle
The next time the radio tells you to shake your money maker
Shake your head and tell them, tell them you’re a leader

Now we’re moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives

‘Cause you’re beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind

There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient

Yeah, you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient

Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, yeah, you
You are brilliant

Enjoy,
Michaela

1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed,
this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5. LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word. It is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. 
A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. 
(Refer to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say ‘You’re welcome’. 
(I want to add in a clause here – this is true unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’. That will bring on a ‘whatever’).
8. WHATEVER: Is a woman’s way of 
saying FORGET YOU!
9. DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, I’VE GOT IT: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Send this link (http://www.susanjsohn.com/thefamilyroom) to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Send this link (http://www.susanjsohn.com/thefamilyroom) to the women you know to give them a laugh because they get it!

I was inspired to write this article after reading Belinda’s post about her 40th birthday and my experience with my extended family this past weekend. I hope you enjoy.

In my house, I have a piece of art depicting a beautiful tree with extraordinary branches and gorgeous shades of green. This picture hangs by my front door and written across the canvas are the following words: Family ~ people who share a common start and grow to share a common heart. I love these words and I love that, as families, we are all unique. We all have our stories of joy, challenge, triumph, the down-right hilarious and all the moments in between.

Family is an extraordinary bond that, if protected, nurtured and fed, can grow into, as those words express, a common heart. Hearts that beat as one, hearts that feel each other’s happiness and bear each other’s burdens. I believe this is the family I come from.

This weekend, we celebrated my Aunt’s 80th birthday (let me tell you, she makes 80 look amazing!!!!!). We, the Taylor and Young families plus friends, gathered from both near and far to celebrate the amazing life of an extraordinary lady.

I often say that as people age you can read their life stories on their faces. My Aunt’s story is visible in the faint lines that speak clearly of a life well lived. They tell the story of a woman who has seen much, and experienced the joys and the challenges of life. It’s easy to see that she has shared much laughter and joy, yet hidden within the tiny creases are stories of sadness, loss and maybe even a few regrets (the latter I would never know). Those of us close to her know that the loss of a child leaves an almost unspeakable mark of sorrow and pain, yet the beautiful lives of three other grown children cause that mark to curve and bring joy to the hard places.

Walking through cancer and losing a husband, father and brother far too early have left their shadows, softened by the bond of family. My Aunt is an extraordinary woman who has taught us that life is for living, carpe diem ~ seize the day.

She has taught us to laugh. She has shown us that strength can come from the depths of your being and that you can move on, that life doesn’t stop even though it hurts. She has shown us that family is what matters.

I write this today because this weekend I sat watching generations talk and laugh together. I listened to the stories of lives intertwined, families united and bonds of love that cannot be broken. I listened at the beginning with a heavy heart. A heavy heart because, as you know, my family has recently relocated to Canada from Australia, the country my children call home. Relocating and re-establishing isn’t easy and at times the sadness, longing and pain are almost suffocating. There are moments when your breath is taken and the pain of loss is almost unbearable. In those moments the suitcases are out, the computer is searching for flights and then you breathe again. Relocating, although necessary, hasn’t been easy, but with each passing day the sense of loss slowly lifts and our mourning is turning to dancing.

Weekends like this one help me to see how important it is for my children to experience family in its truest sense. I sat, watching and listening to the stories, the laughter and the interactions whilst my children rolled on the grass with their cousins. They played games, fought with each other and waited (at times not so patiently) for food to arrive. They listened to the speeches and, with every breath, I knew that the richness of family was being deposited into them. The knowledge, and perhaps a deeper understanding, of the words that adorn the wall in our family home became a little more evident through every smile, every pat on the head and every comment of resemblance. Family ~ people who share a common start and grow to share a common heart.

To my Aunt, again I say HAPPY BIRTHDAY and thanks for making 80 look so fantastic.

Susan

Today on ‘Coffee with Susan and Friends‘ in prep for Mother’s Day we honored mothers everywhere. As guests on the show, I had my own mother, Isabel, and my sister, Katherine Gagne. We had calls from some amazing people including my older brother, Robert, who was, in fact, born on Mother’s Day some 46 years ago. Robert said some beautiful things about the listening ear and insight of a mother. My younger brother, Peter, who has down syndrome, called in and in his own way said what he says to our mother almost daily, definitely a statement you will want to hear.

Well friends today we did it. We interviewed an amazing guest on our show. Dr. Henry Hess, author of The Perfect Menopause – 7 Steps to the Best Time of our Lives. It was a great show and I STONGLY encourage you, whether you are peri menopausal, in the thick of it or just feeling slightly ‘different’ and can’t put your finger on it…..listen to the show and get his book! 

Every now and then, an email drops into your inbox which brings a message so timely and relevant that it stops you in your tracks.

This one struck a chord with us here at thefamilyroom and today we would like to share it with you.

So grab a cuppa, sit back and enjoy this inspiring story.

Invisible mother

It all began to make sense. The blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking: “Can’t you see I’m on the phone?” Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible.

The invisible mum. Some days, I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! “Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?” Some days, I’m not a pair of hands, I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask: “What time is it?” I’m a satellite guide to answer: “What number is the Disney Channel?” I’m a car to order: “Right around 5:30pm, please.”

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude – but now they’ve disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, she’s gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating a friend’s return from England. Janice had just come back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said: “I brought you this.” It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: “To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.”

In the days ahead, I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would discover what would, for me, become four life-changing truths upon which I could pattern my work:

• No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their names
• These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished
• They made great sacrifices and expected no credit
• The passion of their building was fuelled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built. He saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man: “Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, no one will ever see it.” And the workman replied: “Because God sees.”

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me: “I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you sees. No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.”

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up for a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that will never carry their name. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving: “My Mum gets up at 4am and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand-bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linen for the table.” That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add: “You’re gonna love it there.”

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

This email was recently sent to me and I thought I would share it with everyone. This is a delicate subject but like anything else, thefamilyroom chooses to hit things head on. I believe one of our best defenses is to be aware so read on and keep this information locked away somewhere and always pray for safety for your life and the lives of other girls on the planet. It’s a little long but there are things in here that I never knew so PLEASE READ.

Through a Rapist’s Eyes

This is important information for females of ALL ages . Guys – please forward to the female members of your family and all your female friends and associates.
When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends. I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends have female friends and this information is too important to miss someone. Please pass it along.
A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts :

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed . They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who’s clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing.

3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5:00a.m. and 8:30a.m.

5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots . Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms.

6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don’t have to worry about getting caught.

7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.

If you p ut up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn’t worth it because it will be time-consuming .

9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas , or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

Keys are not a deterrent because you have to ge t really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you’re not worth it.

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: “I can’t believe it is so cold out here”, “we’re in for a bad winter.” Now you’ve seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.

11) If someone is coming toward you , hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP or STAY BACK ! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they’d leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back . Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

13) If someone grabs you, you can’t beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands – the guy needed stitches.

Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts.

14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy’s parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you’ll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he’s out of there.

15) When the guy puts his hands up to you , grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don’t dismiss it, go with your instincts!!!

You may feel a little silly at the time, but you’d feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

Having suffered with sever sinus issues and hay fever most of my adult life, as much as I love spring, I would dread it every year.

To wake every morning and know that within an hour or so knowing that sinus pain, watery eyes or an epic sneezing match would visit for the day, was unbearable…for me and my friends.

Dates were equally fun with me sitting at the table face dripping, eyes puffed up and me with a tissue at the ready, smiling as if nothing was wrong. I looked like I had Bells Palsy half of the time. Attractive!

Vocations such as floristry or anything to do with animals was also completely out of the question. Not that I would have chosen to be a zookeeper, but hey, the option would have been nice.

To those who have suffered for years or have children that suffer know exactly what I am talking about. There is nothing worse than having an attack and finding yourself without an industrial size box of Kleenex in your handbag. That or a paper bag to put over your head.

When a full blown ‘session’ of hay fever hits, even sunlight can hurt your eyes, so ridiculously oversized sunglasses are essential. (Hmm…I wonder if Jackie O was sufferer too.)

So, yes, this was my life. Not much fun and rather debilitating. That was until I made the decision to get help. Something that busy mum’s often place at the bottom of their daily lists. We have a tendency to truly believe that whatever we suffer with isn’t as serious as being on time for soccer practise or heaven forbid getting the ironing done before school pick up! And I am only talking about hay fever. Some women let serious health conditions cripple their lives on many levels for years before even talking about it.

Visiting a local doctor a few months ago changed my life. After confessing to him of my apparent addiction to antihistamines and undocumented shares in Kleenex, he offered alternatives to choose from. I chose a simple safe nasal spray and within 2 weeks I was cured. Simple. Life changing. Since seeing a doctor I have not once taken an antihistamine and I have saved a fortune on tissues. If only I had done this years ago…(I can almost see you all nodding.)

So this spring I can honestly get excited about all those alfresco dinner parties that I am going to be invited to…hint, hint. But seriously, if you suffer physically from anything that is a constant source of worry or pain, GO SEE A DOCTOR, or an alternative practitioner if that’s your preference. Decide to put your health first, get peace of mind and watch your life change for the better.

Michaela.