I’m married to a chef. When people find out, they either look at me enviably or tell me how lucky I am, but to be honest, there are times I have viewed it as a bit of a ….well, night mare.

For some reason, when my husband and I are together in the kitchen, it’s like I suddenly become a bumbling idiot. My home cook’s way of doing things is sometimes glaringly backwards. I’m embarrassed by my own lack of knowledge in front of a professional and falter doing easy tasks. And the pressure! Oh the pressure! It’s as if I imagine I’m cooking for Matt Preston every night of the week . How many times have I told my dear husband in exasperation (usually after I’ve completely ruined dinner), “Do you know what’s it’s like being married to a chef?!!”

At the heart of my complaining is the feeling I don’t think I’m good enough. While my friends might say I might make a tasty cupcake or a good dessert, my grasp on savoury dishes is more than lacking. I don’t have ANY knife skills. I’ve never filleted a fish or frenched a cutlet. I can’t remember what a mirepoix is and I’ve never even attempted a hollandaise sauce. And seeing as cupcakes don’t really constitute a meal, it’s as if the whole “What’s for dinner?” routine takes on a whole new level for me personally.

When people are good at something, it’s really easy to be intimidated by them. But here’s the thing I’m discovering: Insecurity can either propel us forward, or scare us into shrinking back. I can complain and stay where I am or swallow my pride. If I stay in the “poor me” camp, I might just lose the brilliant opportunity I have to learn to cook like a pro from my own personal mentor.

I’m learning. Instead of being intimidated by his skill, I’m starting to ask my husband (sometimes sheepishly) “How do I do this?”, “What have I done wrong?” or “Do you think this needs something else?”. After all, it’s not everyone who can say they have the gastronomic version of Wikipedia to consult every time they have a culinary question or have their own personal chef on hand for when people come over.

Is there someone in your life who’s talent or skill, whether it be learned or natural, scares the pants off you? If so, I am issuing you a challenge. Next time you see them, why don’t you swallow your pride and ask them a few tricks of their particular trade. You might just learn something new and do something good for your relationship while you’re at it.

Jo.

Today, we at thefamilyroom are delighted to bring you an insightful article from one of our wonderful BlogTalkRadio listeners. Paige Williams is an educator at a small college in Oklahoma, USA. She is also a Licensed Professional Counsellor. In addition to her blog entries, Paige has written about step-parenting twins for TWINS magazine and numerous professional counselling articles. Her family includes three sons from a first marriage, Austin (18), Chase (16) and Dalton (13). In addition, she is  step-mom to Gavin (8) and twin girls Cassidy and Melody (5). She is married to her wonderful husband, Frank. The family also includes a crazy Pomeranian named Bandit.

Making and enjoying time without the kids

Recently, my husband and I have been having conversations about ‘alone time’, which for us is a mixed blessing. All married couples need adult or non-kid time together. Alone time allows husband and wife to reconnect, make plans, relax and play. However, when you are a couple in a blended family, alone time, while still very necessary, is often difficult to create or, if it is available, difficult to enjoy.

Non-blended families often view time alone together as a special event that is highly anticipated. Alone or ‘no-kid’ time in a blended family is bittersweet. It means that at least one, if not both, members of the couple are without their children. Time with children who do not live in the home is premium and cherished. When the non-custodial parent is not with their kids there is a huge sense of loss and sadness. While this wanes as the parent gets used to the visitation process or schedule, on some level the sadness remains.

Therein lies the issue with couple alone time in a blended family. When we are able to have that time together, it is often difficult for us to give ourselves permission to enjoy it. There is a sense that because the kids are gone and we feel sad, that we should not allow ourselves to enjoy or anticipate that time.

There are feelings of anger and guilt brought on by these conflicting emotions. This mixture of feelings, if not discussed, can lead to anger and resentment between spouses.

So how should couples in blended families learn to manage these feelings and create alone time that can be enjoyed without guilt or sadness? Here are a few things that have worked for my husband and I:

1. It is important that both spouses openly acknowledge the mixed feelings they are experiencing. If these feelings are not thoroughly discussed, acknowledged and understood they will slowly diminish the relationship and affect the ability to enjoy time alone.
2. Both spouses need to understand the importance of alone time and why it is necessary for a good couple relationship. With this understanding, the commitment to planning time alone will be more consistent.
3. Schedule time that, as far as possible, does not conflict with children’s visits – it’s easier to enjoy alone time that way. Couples who have their kids every weekend, or work with longer schedules, may have to make child care arrangements if they want to go out or enjoy other activities alone. This option is less than ideal because ‘date time’ means less kid time.

While this is one of the more challenging aspects of being a couple in a blended family, you can work through it if you deal with those mixed feelings as a couple. And, don’t forget, making alone time a priority will help to ensure a strong relationship, building a solid foundation for the blended family.

Paige

So, I’ve got a few spare minutes on my hands. My son is having his nap, and I have time to jot down some thoughts. 

I read a lot on subjects I am passionate about.  Marriage, parenting and family life are my favourite topics right now and, as a result, I’ve read my fair share of books in these areas.

One I would really love to share with you is the book I’m currently reading – Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs.  The title of this book leaves no doubt about its contents.  Put simply, it explains in great detail the fact that a man’s main need is respect, while a woman is more concerned with love. 

I’m sure you’re thinking that if the book only covers that, why would I need to read it? In my opinion, this book is unique – one of the most inspiring marriage books I have ever read!

What makes it so special is that is reveals the important truth that all married women should know, but many have never been told: men need to know they are respected more than they need anything else.  They need to know we respect them more than they need to know we love them!  This is a pretty foreign concept to most ladies, as our primary need is to know that we are loved. 

Let me say this again for clarity, men do not need to know we love them as much as they need to know we respect them. Of course, they still need our love, but our respect is a much bigger deal for them.

This concept, I have to admit, is completely new for me.  No-one has ever explained this to me before. Now, I feel compelled to share this newfound knowledge with all of my girlfriends. It’s valuable information and I want to spread it around like I’d spread the news of a fantastic recipe or of a killer sale at my favourite shop.

Eggerichs, with the help of his wife Sarah, uses the book to explain and expand upon the very simple point I have just made.  They discuss where this revelation came from and how it has applied to marriages throughout the years.  I would encourage absolutely everyone to grab a copy and read it!  It is one of the best investments you’ll ever make in your marriage.

As I sign off today, I’d like to encourage our female readers to let your husband know you respect him.  Tell him a couple of things you respect about him and see what happens.  I bet you’ll be surprised by the response!

Tanya

Well everyone the day of LOVE has found us once again. For some this is an enjoyable day full of gifts, beautiful food and romance. For others it has become Single Awareness Day (also known as SAD).

For those of you who are going to enjoy all the excitement of the day with a partner, have fun, be crazy and allow cupid to work magic in your relationship. For those of you who are alone ~ don’t be! Find a few friends and turn the activities of the day or night into something fun. Turn the tables on the day and make it GREAT.

thefamilyroom has put together a few ideas for everyone to help you make this day special and one to remember:

Find a new recipe and make a special dinner ~ use candles or change the bulbs over your table to orange (this makes everyone look fantastic).

Rent some old movies or go to a new release.

Have a romantic picnic in the backyard, at the beach, on the living room floor, in front of a fireplace…..use your imagination you’ll be surprised with what you come up with.

Draw yourself an amazing bubble bath, light candles, pour yourself a glass of wine or champagne and relax.

Go for a massage.

Have a group of friends around for a ‘potluck’ dinner party and play celebrity heads.

Go out to a ‘fun’ restaurant.

Whatever you do make sure you relax and don’t stress about the day. This year I am without my hubby (he’s away on a business trip) so I have decided to make a great dinner for my children and remind them how much they are loved, I’ve booked a babysitter and I’m going to go and see Music and Lyrics (a new release for us) by myself……I can hardly wait to just enjoy my night.

Have fun and let us know how the day unfolded for you.

Susan.