I don’t care what anyone tells you, no amount of pre-natal classes can truly prepare a husband for attending the birth of his child.

Yes, you have some inkling of the general timing; the concept that as the frequency of contractions increases one should proceed swiftly to the hospital. Ditto the importance of remaining calm and supportive during the entire process. But, and it is a large, bold, underlined, in flashing neon lights kind of ‘but’, you really have no idea. None. Zero. Zip.

You see, us men are simply not programmed to understand the birth process. It is this same programming that means women cannot understand why we need to read magazines for 20 minutes on the toilet, or why, in the name of all that is holy, we do not consider it cool to pop down to Ikea to buy some new bed linen. However, we would find it cool to hire a large industrial sander and spend two hours in the garage making a mess with a piece of wood.

It is down to how we are wired. That is about the best I can come up with.

I am supposed to be writing about perspective. About birth. The task worried me. I thought, ‘sure, yes that’ll be easy’. I remember the birth of my kids. It was cool. A fantastic event. Like bowling a 300 game. And then I thought about it and realised that actually I had no idea. None. Well, not much of an idea. Don’t get me wrong here, it was incredible, and actually I imagine that if I ever bowled a 300 game it would sit behind the birth of my kids in terms of cool factor.

So here is what I remember about it. The birth process I mean.

It was violent. More so than any PS3 game. It was not really a ‘bonding’ moment. In fact, I think I was close to being hit by my wife at one point as I uttered my ‘words of encouragement’ – apparently, this is common.

It was chaotic. It was kind of scary, but that might be because I find hospitals a bit intimidating. My daughter, as she popped out, looked like something out of a ‘B’ movie sci-fi flick. Note that much to my relief her head is now a normal shape and she looks great. Phew.

The doctors were not particularly friendly, in fact I was pretty sure they wished I was someplace else. My wife was seriously distressed. She did not seem to be following the advised ‘pre-natal instructions’ and my attempt to get her to follow them was met with a degree of contempt.

The actual ‘moment’ when the baby appeared? Well that was amazing and, to be honest, I cannot easily describe it and am sure it’s down to a programming thing.

My advice to soon-to-be fathers? If you are contemplating watching the birth of your child – do it. It is the closest you’ll ever get to bowling a 300 game. And for those of you who have bowled 300 – well it’s better even than that.

Ted

A girl went off to college and for a long time she didn’t contact her parents. Feeling guilty, she wrote them a letter. This was the letter that she wrote.

 Dear Mum and Dad,

Since I left for college, I have been remiss in writing and I’m sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I’ll bring you up to date, but before I do, please sit down.

Are you sitting down? It’s very important that you sit down before you read on.

I’m getting along pretty well now following the skull fracture and concussion that I got when I jumped out of my dormitory window when it caught fire shortly after my arrival. It has healed pretty well now. I only get those sick headaches a couple of times a day.

Fortunately, the attendant at the petrol station witnessed the fire in my dorm and saw me jump. He ran over, took me to hospital and continued to visit me there.

When I got out of the hospital, I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out conditions of my room, so he was kind enough to invite me to share his basement bedroom flat with him. It’s sort of small but very cute. He’s a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.

We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mum and Dad, I’m pregnant!

I know how much you will look forward to being grandparents and I know that you will welcome the baby and give it the same tender care and devotion that you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has an infection, which I carelessly caught from him. I know, however, that you will welcome him into our family with open arms.

He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know that your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that.

In conclusion, now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you there was no dormitory fire. I did not have concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital. I am not pregnant. I do not have an infection and there is no boyfriend in my life.

However, I have failed my exams and I wanted you to see these results in their proper perspective!

You know your daughter is becoming a teenager when she asks if joining you on a cycle ride is going to result in her having ‘big legs’.

I chuckled to myself and explained that she would not turn into a freak of nature after a nice cruise on our mountain bikes. The idea was to join the riverside path that runs for nine kilometres inland, taking us into pretty mountain biking territory.

Spring is here and we had (or rather I had) decided it was time to get the girls out on their mountain bikes. To be frank, I suspect they would have been happy sitting in their pyjamas playing on their Nintendo DSi’s all day.

The sun was out, and I am sure somewhere there were birds singing.

My eldest decided that she was going to look cool and trendy on her bike, so instead of her biking clothes she turned up in the hallway dressed in what can only be described as ‘avant garde’. I asked her to get changed, for whilst the sun was shining, it is still quite cold here in Barcelona and a backless top would have led to hypothermia. She hesitated and explained that the sequin top was really pretty. Which it was, I had to agree.

After encouraging her to step out onto the balcony to see just how ‘warm’ it was, she agreed and then returned looking like a throwback to the 80s circa Flash Dance time. I explained that whilst on the right track with regards to fending off the cold, her pink woolly leg-warmers would probably get covered in chain oil.

After what seemed like an eon, she returned looking like a pro cyclist.

I smiled, happy to see her looking the part and asked where her younger sister was.

“She’s in the bathroom – I think she wants to shave her legs,” she said.

I ran to the bathroom to find her sat upon the toilet, seat down, with one of my disposable razors by her side, half a can of shaving foam on her legs (and her feet) with her bike helmet already perched at a jaunty angle upon her head.

“What are you doing??” I said. “You don’t need to shave your legs honey.”

“But you do papa,” she said.

She’s right. I have shaved my legs ever since I started racing bikes and have never stopped. Perhaps one day I will stop but certainly not whilst I am still cycling. I had some explaining to do.

Eventually, after cleaning up all the shaving foam and getting her into her biking gear we set off into the bright spring sunshine.

We had a lovely ride. It was not too strenuous and it was nice to get out. Whilst we were cycling we talked about how we could design more ‘fashionable’ cycling gear for girls. We also discussed the pros and cons of shaving, which somehow turned into a discussion on fish and their sleep patterns, but that is another story and has nothing at all to do with family bike rides.

The moral of this story? Spring is here, take advantage of it and get outside. Oh and hide your shaving kit from your nine-year-old daughters.

Ted

Celebrity Heads
The aim of this game is to guess which famous person you are. Choose one person to be a ‘celebrity’ for each round and stick a name to their forehead.We have a selection of crazy hats that we pin famous names on. Each ‘celebrity’ can ask as many questions as desired with only yes or no answers in response. Make sure they are not sitting opposite any mirrors, etc and let the questions begin.

Hide ‘n’ Seek
I’m sure I don’t need to explain how this game works, but to make it even more fun, turn out the lights and arm the seeker with a flashlight. If small children are playing have an adult accompany them to help find their way around and/or prevent them from becoming scared.

Letter Writing
For some children, a handwritten letter is something they would only see in a museum. To prevent the extinction of such an art, grab some pens, paper, cards, envelopes, stamps, stickers, etc and place them in the centre of the table after dinner. Encourage everyone to write a letter to anyone of their choice within 10 minutes … it does not have to be epic. Smaller kids can draw a picture. You can post them the next day or if proximity permits, go for a walk together down to the post box.

Story Writing Game
This is a personal favourite, which requires all participants to be reading and writing! Give everyone at the table a couple of sheets of paper and a pen. The idea is to write as much as you can within one minute leaving a few words for the next person to add to. Set a timer/stopwatch in the centre of the table to one minute. As soon as the alarm rings, fold your paper down so that only the last sentence or few words are revealed, then pass your paper to the person on your left. Start the alarm again and continue until everyone has added to your story. Collect your stories and take turns in reading them aloud. Try not to cry with laughter so everyone can hear what each one reads.

What’s Missing
This game is a hit with smaller children and a great exercise for those who are finding their memory a little foggy. Grab about 15 small items from around the house and spread them out in the centre of the table. Select one person to remove one item while everyone else has their heads bowed and their eyes closed. Once the item is removed call out for everyone to open their eyes and guess what the missing item is. Whoever guesses now gets to remove and item and so on.

Truth or Dare
Okay, so this isn’t quite what some of us may have experienced in high school … this is the PG version. Kids will mostly choose dares such as standing on a chair on one leg while singing a song backwards and the like.

Spoons
Grab a bunch of spoons (one less than the number of people playing) and a deck of cards. Fish sets of 4 of a kind out from the pack corresponding with however many people are playing. Place the spoons in the centre of the table and deal out four cards to each player. Only once the dealer places a card down for the person on their left to pick up, can everyone else follow suit and do the same. As soon as someone has a complete set of 4, they place them on the table and grab a spoon. The last to grab one is out. Take a set of 4 out each round and continue until there is a winner. Trust me this gets VERY loud, messy and competitive … in our family anyway!

Dance For Your Life
This has proven to be side-splittingly funny! Some of you may frown upon dancing throughout a meal, but for us, we love it! Choose a DFYL starter who gets to call out the name of anyone at the table (or during the evening) to dance for their lives for 10 seconds. The tip to make this game work is the element of surprise. Whoever has completed their dance gets to choose another victim at any given time.

Guess The Song
This game is an absolute favourite and has me literally crying with laughter every time! Grab a book (text books are the best) and pass it around the table. Everyone takes turns in singing a song using the text in whatever book chosen as the lyrics. Everyone else has to guess the tune.

Treasure Hunt
This requires a little pre-planning and is really an after dinner game. Write a list of 20 things you must find and split into groups – smaller families may have to split into groups of one – then go hunting for each item. This can be inside the house or around the neighbourhood. We recently played this and took cameras as some things on our list required taking photos of certain stores, etc. A great game for summer when the light lingers longer.

20 Questions
This is a great game to have on hand when there is a mix of new faces at the table. Have a set of questions written out on cards and place them in a bowl for people to dip into over dessert. Make them light-hearted and funny so it does not feel like the Spanish Inquisition.

What am I?
Animal, vegetable, mineral … you know the drill. Everyone chooses an animal, vegetable or mineral and can only answer yes or no to questions thrown at them while the rest of us try to figure it out.

Charades
A game that is as old as time, charades is a good game for any group. Pick a movie, book, etc and mime it out for everyone to guess.

Best Thing …Worst Thing
Not so much a game as a conversation starter … this is good when there are children at the table, often they will offer up insight to their day in the playground. Ask each person what the worst part of their day was which gives a platform for others to offer support, advice or laughter (sometimes). Always finish with asking what the best part of their day was and congratulate them on a job well done or for just seeing the brighter side of things.

Most of all have fun and make Family Night one of the highlights of your week! And don’t forget to leave a comment to share your own game ideas with us.

Michaela

1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed,
this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5. LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word. It is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. 
A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. 
(Refer to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say ‘You’re welcome’. 
(I want to add in a clause here – this is true unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’. That will bring on a ‘whatever’).
8. WHATEVER: Is a woman’s way of 
saying FORGET YOU!
9. DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, I’VE GOT IT: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Send this link (http://www.susanjsohn.com/thefamilyroom) to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Send this link (http://www.susanjsohn.com/thefamilyroom) to the women you know to give them a laugh because they get it!

Well friends I just HAD to share this with you. I opened my inbox today and found this hilarious message sent to me from Michaela (familyroom girl extraordinare). This is definitely one to share. I have no idea where it comes from so am unable to give credit where credit is due. So, whoever put this together, if you stumble upon it here…we thank you for making us smile/laugh once again at the craziness of our lives as mum’s!

Enjoy.

Susan

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES 

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 
3 kids each for six weeks. 

Each kid will play 
Two sports 
And either take music 
Or dance classes. 

There is no fast food. 

Each man must
Take care of his 3 kids; 
Keep his assigned house clean, 
Correct all homework, 
And complete science projects, 
Cook, do laundry, 
And pay a list of ‘pretend’ bills 
With not enough money. 

In addition, each man 
Will have to budget in money 
For groceries each week. 

Each man 
Must remember the birthdays 
Of all their friends and relatives, 
And send cards out 
On time–no Emailing. 

Each man must also 
Take each child to a doctor’s appointment, 
A dentist appointment 
And a haircut appointment. 

He must make 
One unscheduled and inconvenient 
Visit per child 
To the A & E. 

He must also 
Make biscuits or cakes 
For a social function. 

Each man will be responsible for 
Decorating his own assigned house, 
Planting flowers outside 
And keeping it presentable 
At all times. 

The men will only 
Have access to television 
When the kids are asleep 
And all chores are done. 

The men must 
Shave their legs, 
Wear makeup daily, 
Adorn himself with jewellery, 
Wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, 
Keep fingernails polished 
And eyebrows groomed. 

During one of the six weeks, 
The men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, 
And have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or 
Slow down from other duties. 

They must attend 
Weeklyschool meetings, 
Church, and find time 
At least once to spend the afternoon 
At the park or a similar setting. 

They will need to 
Read a book to the kids 
Each night and in the morning, 
Feed them, dress them, 
Brush their teeth and 
Comb their hair by 8:00 am. 

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: 
Each child’s birthday, 
Height, weight,
Shoe size, clothes size 
And doctor’s name. 
Also the child’s weight at birth, 
Length, time of birth, 
And length of labour, 
Each child’s favourite colour, 
Middle name, 
Favourite snack, 
Favourite song, 
Favourite drink, 
Favourite toy, 
Biggest fear and 
What they want to be when they grow up. 

The kids vote them off the island 
Based on performance. 
The last man wins only if…
He still has enough energy 
To be intimate with his spouse 
At a moment’s notice. 

If the last man does win, 
He can play the game over and over 
And over again for the next 18-25 years 
Eventually earning the right 
To be called Mum! 

After you get done laughing,
Send this to as many females as you 
Think will get a laugh out of it and 
As many men as you think can 
Handle it! 
Just don’t send it back to me…. I’m going to bed.  

Well, here’s something that came to me and made me smile. After reading, I knew we needed to post it on the blog. You may have received it too and, if so, no apologies because it is DEFINITELY WORTH THE READ. Whether you’ve seen it once, twice or seventy-eight times, it hits home in some way – depending on the time of the month.

So friends, enjoy – and make sure you send this link http://www.susanjsohn.com/thefamilyroom to your family and friends.

Susan xo

Pregnancy Q & A and more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

10 ways to know if you have oestrogen issues

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You ‘re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: ‘How’s my driving-call 1- 800-’.
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from ‘outer space.’
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Top 10 things only women understand

10. Cats’ facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why beansprouts aren’t just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

As you know, very rarely do I share email forwards, they have to be very funny in order for me to press send. Well, last night our great friend, Mark, sent something that gave me a chuckle. I shared it with my mum (who, by the way, has a great sense of humor) and she laughed and laughed. After hearing her enjoyment I thought it must be one of those forwards that need to be shared.

I hope it will ignite something within you that will allow yourself a chuckle or a full-blown laugh today. Remember, laughter is good for the soul.

It’s simple, silly and strangely something we can (maybe) relate to….

Here you go:

Husband says, “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?” With a smile, the wife replies by saying, “I clean the toilet.” The husband looks at her strangely and says, “How does that help?” With the same smile on her face the wife says, “I use your toothbrush.”

I hope you enjoyed that as much as we did. So glad there are clever people out there who come up with stuff like this that can make us smile. 

Hello all. I hope today is a good day for everyone.

I woke this morning to find a forward from my mum and after reading it I knew I had to forward it and share it with as many as possible. This forward comes from a Forrest Gump story. Like many of you I have learned a great deal from Forrest Gump and that movie seems to have lived on for many of us.

I hope you too will find a smile on your face after reading this little treasure.
Susan

Forrest Goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’ Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.’ St. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God’s first name?’

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, give me your answers’ Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.’ The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter..’How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’ Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?’ Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd… ”Hold it,’ interrupts St. Peter. ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind….but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name’? ‘Sure,’ Forrest replied, ‘it’s Andy.”Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. ‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’ Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’ Forrest replied. ‘I learnt it from the song,

‘ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: ‘Run Forrest, run.’