First Time Father!

I don’t care what anyone tells you, no amount of pre-natal classes can truly prepare a husband for attending the birth of his child.

Yes, you have some inkling of the general timing; the concept that as the frequency of contractions increases one should proceed swiftly to the hospital. Ditto the importance of remaining calm and supportive during the entire process. But, and it is a large, bold, underlined, in flashing neon lights kind of ‘but’, you really have no idea. None. Zero. Zip.

You see, us men are simply not programmed to understand the birth process. It is this same programming that means women cannot understand why we need to read magazines for 20 minutes on the toilet, or why, in the name of all that is holy, we do not consider it cool to pop down to Ikea to buy some new bed linen. However, we would find it cool to hire a large industrial sander and spend two hours in the garage making a mess with a piece of wood.

It is down to how we are wired. That is about the best I can come up with.

I am supposed to be writing about perspective. About birth. The task worried me. I thought, ‘sure, yes that’ll be easy’. I remember the birth of my kids. It was cool. A fantastic event. Like bowling a 300 game. And then I thought about it and realised that actually I had no idea. None. Well, not much of an idea. Don’t get me wrong here, it was incredible, and actually I imagine that if I ever bowled a 300 game it would sit behind the birth of my kids in terms of cool factor.

So here is what I remember about it. The birth process I mean.

It was violent. More so than any PS3 game. It was not really a ‘bonding’ moment. In fact, I think I was close to being hit by my wife at one point as I uttered my ‘words of encouragement’ – apparently, this is common.

It was chaotic. It was kind of scary, but that might be because I find hospitals a bit intimidating. My daughter, as she popped out, looked like something out of a ‘B’ movie sci-fi flick. Note that much to my relief her head is now a normal shape and she looks great. Phew.

The doctors were not particularly friendly, in fact I was pretty sure they wished I was someplace else. My wife was seriously distressed. She did not seem to be following the advised ‘pre-natal instructions’ and my attempt to get her to follow them was met with a degree of contempt.

The actual ‘moment’ when the baby appeared? Well that was amazing and, to be honest, I cannot easily describe it and am sure it’s down to a programming thing.

My advice to soon-to-be fathers? If you are contemplating watching the birth of your child – do it. It is the closest you’ll ever get to bowling a 300 game. And for those of you who have bowled 300 – well it’s better even than that.

Ted

Tagged as: Ted