Today, we at thefamilyroom are delighted to bring you an insightful article from one of our wonderful BlogTalkRadio listeners. Paige Williams is an educator at a small college in Oklahoma, USA. She is also a Licensed Professional Counsellor. In addition to her blog entries, Paige has written about step-parenting twins for TWINS magazine and numerous professional counselling articles. Her family includes three sons from a first marriage, Austin (18), Chase (16) and Dalton (13). In addition, she is step-mom to Gavin (8) and twin girls Cassidy and Melody (5). She is married to her wonderful husband, Frank. The family also includes a crazy Pomeranian named Bandit.
Making and enjoying time without the kids
Recently, my husband and I have been having conversations about ‘alone time’, which for us is a mixed blessing. All married couples need adult or non-kid time together. Alone time allows husband and wife to reconnect, make plans, relax and play. However, when you are a couple in a blended family, alone time, while still very necessary, is often difficult to create or, if it is available, difficult to enjoy.
Non-blended families often view time alone together as a special event that is highly anticipated. Alone or ‘no-kid’ time in a blended family is bittersweet. It means that at least one, if not both, members of the couple are without their children. Time with children who do not live in the home is premium and cherished. When the non-custodial parent is not with their kids there is a huge sense of loss and sadness. While this wanes as the parent gets used to the visitation process or schedule, on some level the sadness remains.
Therein lies the issue with couple alone time in a blended family. When we are able to have that time together, it is often difficult for us to give ourselves permission to enjoy it. There is a sense that because the kids are gone and we feel sad, that we should not allow ourselves to enjoy or anticipate that time.
There are feelings of anger and guilt brought on by these conflicting emotions. This mixture of feelings, if not discussed, can lead to anger and resentment between spouses.
So how should couples in blended families learn to manage these feelings and create alone time that can be enjoyed without guilt or sadness? Here are a few things that have worked for my husband and I:
- It is important that both spouses openly acknowledge the mixed feelings they are experiencing. If these feelings are not thoroughly discussed, acknowledged and understood they will slowly diminish the relationship and affect the ability to enjoy time alone.
- Both spouses need to understand the importance of alone time and why it is necessary for a good couple relationship. With this understanding, the commitment to planning time alone will be more consistent.
- Schedule time that, as far as possible, does not conflict with children’s visits – it’s easier to enjoy alone time that way. Couples who have their kids every weekend, or work with longer schedules, may have to make child care arrangements if they want to go out or enjoy other activities alone. This option is less than ideal because ‘date time’ means less kid time.
While this is one of the more challenging aspects of being a couple in a blended family, you can work through it if you deal with those mixed feelings as a couple. And, don’t forget, making alone time a priority will help to ensure a strong relationship, building a solid foundation for the blended family.
Paige
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